I Would Never Join Any Club That Would Have Me As A Member, pt.1

Are we really doomed to two political parties in this country, the Government Can Fix It, Just Give Us Another Few Whacks At It Party and the Government Is Evil, Government Sucks, Please Elect Us So We Can Show You Again How To Do More With Less (because we kind of screwed that part up last time) Party?

I can't call myself a conservative, even though I hold many strongly conservative views, because when people think of conservatives nowadays they think of idiots like Glenn Beck and megalomaniacs like Sean Hannity. (I don't mind Rush Limbaugh, though--although he's far to the right of me, and often intellectually dishonest, he's a legitimately talented and thought-provoking broadcaster and entertainer, and I am willing to accept him for what he is).

I can't let myself be identified with any group that would have Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity and even poor beleaguered Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney as their Sunday morning talking heads.

And I can't really call myself a libertarian because I think most libertarians are deeply unrealistic about what we really need from government, and (much more importantly to me) they don't care about helping other people, they're just obsessed with how much their own government is trying to steal from them (in the only two currencies that matter to libertarians: liberty and taxes).

And I sure as hell can't be a Democrat. Democrats protect unions with great vigilance, but don't want to protect children from murderous radical Islamists. (If there are children in mass graves anywhere in the world, Americans aren't supposed to wring our hands and think about whether to fight. We are supposed go there (regardless of who else is willing to go or not go with us); kill all the bad guys, pack up our Humvees and leave. It is not that complicated).

Democrats actually think the same government folks who bring you the Department of Motor Vehicles are going to be able to make your health care experience better and cheaper. Do we really have to even dig deeper into their position than that?

As economists like Thomas Sowell (a fine thinker) point out, you cannot determine the price for something by assigning a price to it. The price is going to be what it is, and if you make it cheaper, there is going to be less of it available, and if there is too little of it now available as a result of your meddling, the fact that it has a cheaper price assigned to it is absolutely irrelevant, because now you can't get it.

I'm a big Barack Obama fan and I'm even a bigger Michelle Obama fan, but those two could take me to dinner and a show in New York and I would be no closer to ever voting Democrat.

But if I think the Democratic party caters to wimps and cowards and those unwilling (NOT unable) to help themselves to the American Dream (and I do), I am even more angry with Republicans, whose hypocrisy disgusts me.

You Republican creeps are anti-abortion, but also against providing young people with free birth control? This exposes you as being deeply unrealistic, because you can teach and counsel sexual restraint all day and all night, but then biology and human nature take over and shove you aside. You can't talk teenagers out of wanting to fuck. Okay? Update your list of things NOT to mess with, starting right now with biology, hormones and human nature.

You ever-classy Republicans are against the adoption of children by gay couples (and against gay marriage). What a principled stand. And all the while our world is overrun by horribly irresponsible heterosexuals who have children without the means to support them; who do a terrible job of child-rearing, and who don't deserve the children they were reckless enough to spawn.

You conservatives especially disgust me, because the parts you get right (emphasis on personal responsibility, emphasis on higher standards for public schools, focus on shrinking the size of government, keeping a strong military, being willing to stick our collective neck out when we must, understanding the responsibility that comes with being the U S of A) are the parts I hold very dear. But you totally blow it up on the social end, and this whole thing with you trying to shove your religion down my throat is just such an obvious example of a totally unfounded superiority complex it makes me want to vomit.

What this country needs is an ex-Marine secular conservo-libertarian who refuses to allow Christian nutcases to ever set foot in the Oval Office; who's married, yes--but to his partner, Ned; who has two super fabulous adopted children; who wants to kill every Taliban and Al-Queda thug in the world and has to be physically restrained by his Joint Chiefs from doing so, and who spends the people's money like it's his own and he's still living in base housing and shopping at the BX.

Yes, here I am, a married heterosexual guy, campaigning for my fantasy candidate: an openly gay ex-Marine. I realize that's going to make some of you think I'm a little swishy. Whatever. You don't have to act like a homophobe to project an image of masculinity.

Anyway, if you know of a candidate who matches this description, email me and I'll Paypal him a campaign donation right fucking now.