Career Suicide: Data Driven!

One of the walls you bang your head into whenever you try to challenge someone inside the APS reality distortion field is the "Yes, but we're data-driven!" mantra the Bevvy Hall acolytes repeat like--well, a mantra--whenever they're challenged on any little thing.

Back when I was still covering technology for CNN my producers and I had a list of phrases we would ban from any report, because they were so hackneyed, cliched and (almost always) inaccurate. They were usually phrases that the PR folks or product reps would try to work into any soundbite they gave us about their products. My favorite one of these is this one:

"Our customers told us they wanted this feature."

When you heard that, you always knew there was a major bug with the product and they just couldn't figure out how to fix it.

I'll give you two examples: when the very first .mp3 players appeared on the market (long before the iPod came along and made everyone else irrelevant), one of the very first was a particularly difficult-to-use product that required the user to reboot their computer OUT of Windows and into the computer's BIOS (basic in-out system) in order to hack in some software that would allow the player to load music.

It was a catastrophically bad and user-unfriendly product, and yet when I challenged its marketing rep on the phone about this BIOS nonsense, he gave me exactly the sentence I was expecting:

"Our customers told us they wanted it this way."

A couple of years later, when I had to sign up for AOL service using my own credit card so we could report on some AOL story or other (this was long before AOL devoured Time Warner like a snake devouring a rat--exactly like a snake devouring a rat, actually)--I found myself having to call AOL a couple of weeks later to cancel the account, because our reporting was finished. Only they didn't let me leave. Oh, they told me my account was cancelled, but I kept getting billed. For months. And every time I spoke to a new rep, I was again reassured that my account was cancelled and my credit card charges were being refunded. Of course, as we all know now, AOL was engaged in a systematic campaign of retaining and charging customers who had tried to cancel their service, and I was among the many victims. When I finally lost patience and called AOL Corporate --this time as a CNN correspondent--and got into a yelling match with an absolute nightmare of a VP, she again used the magic words: "Our customers have told us they like to be sure about their decision to cancel before all of their accumulated information is deleted, so we like to give them some extra time, but we always honor their wishes."

(No, you didn't, and by the way, fuck you for destroying Time Warner and my 401 (k), you overrated, arrogant assholes).

But I digress.

The point I was making was how whenever you try to tell somebody in APS how utterly inadequate a job they're doing at something, the first words out of their mouth are likely to be:

"but we are using data-driven best practices."

Of all the frauds committed on the public while Bevvy Hall has been in office, she must be most proud of her ability to con so many smart people into believing that if you call something data-driven it's unassailable. Shame on all of you for buying into that crap as long as you did. Me? I snorted in derision the first time I heard it.

It's almost always uncool to point out instances where you were right about something and a whole lot of other people were wrong. That's bullshit. This wasn't hard to figure out. It was right there in front of you all along. I didn't have any trouble spotting it--I attended a few meetings with these laptop-toting "data specialists" and could tell right away they contributed nothing of value to the process. My wish for the new year is that these parasites will all be forcibly relocated to careers where they don't directly suck needed resources away from children.